Rebellion or Integrity?
- Lizz & Esther / Deconstructing Mamas
- 14 minutes ago
- 6 min read
Welcome to Grace and Space, a weekly newsletter from the Deconstructing Mamas Podcast! GRACE for who you have been, are now and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be!
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This week, our newsletter is going to have a little different feel to it. We asked our guest, Jamin Coller, this simple question in preparation for our podcast episode and his answer was so incredibly practical and helpful, so we decided to share it with you. It's powerful. Where are you now on your spiritual journey?
Exploring. Less desperate. It’s quieter now. I no longer feel the urgency to prove something to God or anyone else. The sun has come up, and the monsters that used to hide in the corners of my theology have either disappeared or turned out to be far more interesting than terrifying. The fear has faded, and with it, the compulsion to obey every rule just in case.
What’s left is a kind of sacred curiosity. I’m no longer driven by the need to be right — I’m more interested in being real. I still value the things I grew up with — community, purpose, mystery — but I’m no longer willing to inherit them without question. I’m learning to preserve what’s beautiful without idolizing what’s broken.
And for the first time, I can actually feel God in that process — not as a voice demanding obedience, but as a presence inviting wholeness. A kind of divine companionship that doesn’t flinch when I ask hard questions, doesn’t withdraw when I get it wrong, and doesn’t shame me for needing space.
Some days, I still miss the certainty I once had - though less often over time. But I’d rather be unsure and honest than certain and disconnected from my own soul. That’s the kind of faith I hope my kids see — not a fortress of answers, but a relationship that can survive the questions.
However, I find that such honest answer that resonate with deconstructionists rarely satisfy the institutional Evangelical. They respond with something like, “Yeah - I hear all that, but are you reading your Bible and praying? Are you plugged in and tithing to a good church to fellowship with believers?” They are predictably, sincerely interested, but less about my heart and more about my rituals. I honestly don’t think they can see a difference. I know I couldn’t when I was back there, so this gives me a new compassion for the Pharisees who did the same. They were probably doing their best to please God.
To answer the institutional questions:
Church - I’ve got more fellowship now than ever. But I haven’t been to a church service in years. Also, I don’t filter my friend groups by whether or not they are “believers” anymore. I’ve got close friends who are “believers” of many different worldviews, just like Jesus did. And just like Jesus, I’m not unequally yoked with any of them because I am no longer yoked to anyone. I’m doing my best at my goals and they’re doing their best at their goals and we’re cheering each other on, instead of playing good-guys-versus-bad-guys or believers-against-the-world.
Tithing - Yep! I used to only give 10%-20%, but now I’m giving more of my time and money to help actual ‘orphans and widows’ (James 1:27) than ever before. Fortunately, no longer does a penny of it go to stage lighting, fog machines or Pastor’s Appreciation bonuses.
Bible reading - It’s been about the same amount as before. Maybe a little more. But I’m fascinated by it more now than ever. Before, I had to work so hard to work up the will to do my ‘daily devotions’. Now that I don’t feel a burden to read it, I’ve been referencing and cross referencing my readings nearly every day, and listening to podcasts about the origination and actual authorship and canonization of scriptures. My books have hundreds of scriptural citations, and I understand it better than ever. I feel bad that I missed what was so obvious in scriptures back when I was a minister or in seminary, because I had a predetermined meaning that I had to read into the Bible instead of being allowed to learn from whatever I found from - and about - it.
Prayer - This is the weirdest one. I still pray. At least for now. I didn’t for a long time once I realized (for reasons I lay out in my books) that the God I was taught to pray to didn’t exist, and that prayer didn’t work the way we said it did. It was obvious to me that prayer was pointless, so I dove into meditation and gratitude and a dozen other ways of interacting with the void. At some point I realized: many great Buddhist meditators quit meditating when they learn about the violence, sexism, and supernaturalism of the Buddha…which is a shame, because they were highly trained in meditation, which actually helps. I was highly trained in prayer, which actually helps, whether or not the recipient of my prayers exists. Why not take advantage of the training? So now, if I have a compulsion to pray, I pray. Not because of what it does in the natural or supernatural realm, but because of what it does in me. It felt a little goofy at first, but it’s no goofier than saying out loud what I’m grateful for (who’s answering that?) or paying attention to my breath (who’s receiving that attention?)
Our Podcast This Week:
'''Diligent study is precisely what got us here." Jamin Coller
Our episode this week is with Jamin Coller, dad of six, podcaster and author of Dear Evangelicals. Our conversation is passionate, funny and so very eye-opening. We chat through these questions: 1. Your book, Dear Evangelicals, frames deconstruction not as rebellion, but as a painful act of integrity after "stumbling upon information we didn't want." How can parents reframe their children's deconstruction as integrity, not betrayal? How can we help both deconstructionists and their former communities reframe this process as an act of integrity rather than betrayal — especially in the context of parenting? 2. You write “We believed it when we were told all questions were welcomed.” What impact does it have on a child’s development when questions are only welcome until they cross an invisible line? And how can parents make space for the kind of questioning that once got them scorned?
3. You state that the first wave of shame comes from the community, but the harder wave is internal — “the shame of having shelved obvious red flags for so long.” How do we process that internal shame, and what does it look like to parent from a place of healing rather than guilt?
4. The book describes former church members instinctively seeking new spaces to preserve their faith, even after painful exits. What does this tell us about the human longing for spiritual belonging, and how do we model that search honestly for our kids?
5. How did diligent study get you “here”? Also, for those of us who were once taught that information was dangerous, how do we now encourage our children to stay curious and think critically without fearing where it might lead?
6. You have said that many of us try not to think — because we fear losing our salvation — and try not to speak — because we fear losing our friends. How did this play out for you personally and how do we raise children to value honesty and connection when so many of us were taught to protect belonging at the expense of our inner truth?
7. If you could tell your kids one thing for their life journey, what would it be and why?
We found Jamin compassionate, wise and funny. If you are wondering how you got to this place of deconstructing your faith, this is the episode for you. You can find Jamin here:
Website: jamincoller.com
Instagram: @dear_evangelicals and @jamincoller
Resource Alerts:
People are not leaving evangelical churches for the reasons we wish or claim. It’s not really because of politics or improper preaching. It’s not because of sins they want to commit or even a breakdown of traditional values. No, they’re leaving for all the reasons they tried to express—when no one in the church was listening.
Now we must listen. Because as dire as the condition of the church seems, it's exponentially worse: there are exactly zero people outside the church who secretly want to get in, but scores of churchgoers sit with growing unspoken concerns...for now, until they join the thousands each week who quietly slip out the back door, never to return, and never to explain why.
Jamin Coller is a seminary graduate and pastor’s kid who spent 30 years as a minister, worship pastor, Christian educator, and national speaker. Now, after several years deeply embedded in the ex-vangelical community, he consults with church leaders to bridge the gap between Christian institutionalists and those he calls “pre-former members.”
Get Dear Evangelicals RIGHT HERE!
One last thing. We want to remind you that we are so glad you are here. We wouldn't be the same without you. You will always find GRACE for where you've been and who you are now, and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be.
Carry on, our new-found friends. Welcome to the twisty-windy, full -of-adventure faith path that's laid out before us all.
Love,
Lizz & Esther
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