Welcome to Grace and Space, a weekly newsletter from the Deconstructing Mamas Podcast! GRACE for who you have been, are now and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be!
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From Josh Harris, our guest this week and the author of the now-unpublished book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye... Lately, I’ve been reflecting on a thought related to sex and shame—it’s simple but I think worth sharing:
We shouldn’t shame people for enjoying consensual sex, but equally, we shouldn’t shame those choosing to abstain from sex.
I aspire to advocate for people’s freedom to live authentically, without societal, familial, or religious pressure and manipulation. But this must apply to everyone, regardless of whether they align with my specific personal convictions.
As many know, I apologized for and withdrew my book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, as I no longer agree with its central message or promote the restriction of sex only being within marriage. However, I will defend individuals’ rights to have differing views and choose to hold those beliefs.
What I oppose are attempts to control others using shame and coercion.
My book erroneously suggested that there’s only one divine approach to relationships, emphasizing abstinence, strict gender roles, and courtship over dating. It constrained people’s freedom to explore various options, to figure out what they themselves wanted to do with their bodies, and used religious authority to cement one perspective. Especially for teens, dissent meant apparent disobedience.
Regrettably, my books and many churches leveraged shame to enforce conformity.
As the discussion on the harms of purity culture grows—a conversation I support and wish to expand—it’s important that we avoid shaming those opting for abstinence until marriage. Mocking or ridiculing people for their convictions is wrong and counterproductive.
Here’s the world I’d love to work toward: one where we stop labeling each other as sluts and prudes, stop glorifying or demeaning virginity, and stop invoking shame around how people do or don’t want to have sex. Let’s foster open, honest dialogue. Let’s respect each other. Let’s allow room for change of heart. Let’s embrace “live and let live.” [You can read more blog posts on Josh's website HERE if you want more.]
Our Podcast This Week:
Purity culture presents a false dichotomy: restraint or chaos. The real alternative? Sexual empowerment - the freedom to experience intimacy on your own meaningful terms. (Joshua Harris)
Our episode this week is with Joshua Harris, former pastor and the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, released at the height of purity culture, and currently on an highly sacred, evolving spiritual path. Here's where he finds himself today: I used to have all the answers—chapter and verse. Now I’m happily uncertain and enjoying the wonder and mystery of life.
Purity culture is one of the most harmful ideologies that has invaded not only our bodies, but our minds and souls. We feel it's impact every day in our relationships and even in our parenting.
On this episode, we talk with Josh about his own journey as the promoter and victim of purity culture, his "fall from grace," the deep heartache that ensued, his own shifting journey towards healing and wholeness, and how all of that has played out in and with his family. We chat through these questions: 1. You’ve gone through a pretty public shift in how you view relationships and faith. How has your perspective on dating and marriage evolved since the release of I Kissed Dating Goodbye?
2. Reflecting on your journey from promoting purity culture to embracing a more open perspective, how do you now approach discussions about relationships and sexuality with your children, and what lessons have you learned that you wish you had known earlier?
3. Given the shifts in your personal and spiritual life, what has been the most significant lesson you've learned about grace, forgiveness, and transformation?
4. How have your faith shifts changed the way that you parent your own children, perhaps in other ways that are not directly associated with purity culture?
5. If you could sit your kids down and tell them one thing to take on their life’s journey (with the caveat that they would listen to you), what would it be and why?
We found Josh to be wise, gentle, humble and the conversation with him much-needed and very much-appreciated. There was a palpable healing that took place as we were recording. If you have been harmed by purity culture and want to take one step toward your own journey of uncovering it and recovering from it, this is a MUST-LISTEN! You can find Joshua here: Website: joshharris.com Instagram: @harrisjosh
Latest News:
Only ONE MORE DAY until Season Seven begins! Put March 4 on your calendar in black ink!!
We are so excited about our line up of guests so far and wanted to give you a sneak peak!
We start off with a bang with Josh Harris, the author of the book from the 90's from the height of purity culture, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Josh is a kind, gentle soul, who has gone through the ringer and unpublished this book and has a lot to share with us about his journey of untangling from high-control and toxic Christianity, especially purity culture.
This conversation was so healing for both Lizz and Esther and will be for you too!
Other guests include Julia Postema and Jeremiah Gibson (also known as the Sexvangelicals), Lizz Charlotte Grant, author of Knock at the Sky, Rabbi Brian Mayer (our first Rabbi - WOOHOO), Chelan Harkin (a poet that is saving Esther's life right about now), Erin Hicks Moon, author of the widely popular I've Got Questions, Rachel Pinto-Martin (a former LDS church leader) and advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, our ever-faithful Sarah Swartzendruber chatting it up about how to do the Easter thing with kids, Claire McKeever-Burgett, author of Blessed are the Women, and even more to come...
We cannot wait to share these voices with you! Each one is powerful, wise, healing and worth listening to.
We've put links to the books that we are highlighting this season below so that you can get a jump--start on all the goodness we have lined up for you!
We wanted to let you know that we have come to a very-hard decision NOT to provide extra content for those of you who support us.
We have lots going on in our lives (Lizz has two young kids and Esther just finished her Spiritual Direction training and has four kids all over the country) and no matter how hard we've tried to do it, we just can't seem to make it work within our bandwidth.
For those of you who support us, we are so grateful! You are the reason we can keep the podcast going! We don't take any of it lightly and know your money is valuable and will do our best to steward it well.
We get it if you need to drop support from us, but we would gently ask you to consider sticking with us!
Resource Alerts:
If you haven't been to our website page with tons of resources for you, check them all out HERE!
BOOKS FROM OUR UPCOMING GUESTS
One last thing. We want to remind you that we are so glad you are here. We wouldn't be the same without you. You will always find GRACE for where you've been and who you are now, and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be.
Carry on, our new-found friends. Welcome to the twisty-windy, full -of-adventure faith path that's laid out before us all. Love,
Lizz & Esther
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